Saturday, February 14, 2009

No sleep lost

There’s something hiding down here. It’s way down deep. It sits underneath silliness, sarcasm and smiles. It never goes away. It’s ever-ready to darken even the brightest of days. It festers and stings. It is relentless. It is shame.

Sitting on top of the shame is reasoning. I draw some comfort from my belief that life has no beginning and no end. I take comfort in silly foreign philosophies and bath in religiosity. Who were you before your parents met? It’s a Japanese koan. Enso! I kid myself. Nothing provides an answer. Nothing provides relief. I feel love, hate, anger and pain but I understand nothing.

It started in a waiting room. I was waiting for my girlfriend. My future wife was seeing the doctor. It was a long wait but I didn’t mind. I was reading one of my favorite magazines. Motor Trend magazine was road testing the Dodge Viper. I wasn’t oblivious to what was going on. We had no choice, I reasoned. It was what had to be done. A doctor was aborting our child less than 100 feet away. I felt no pain. I felt no regret. In fact, I spent some time debating whether the Viper could best a Porsche 911 turbo in a quarter mile. There was no empathy. There was no regret that day. I lost no sleep.

Today is valentines day. Susan is sleeping in and our kids are playing. I hear them in the other room: Bakugan and Bob the Builder. There are tears in my eyes. My heart burns. I want it to hurt. I want to be punished. I want to be free but I know that I am undeserving. Undeserving because I know that this pain, this regret, this love, this humanity is all more than my unborn child had the opportunity to feel.


Hal Johnson said...

Wow. Brutally honest, and powerful.

I don't know that I have the courage to be so revealing, but I'll say that I've been there, and I am there. The passing of years make me feel more connected with regret. In earlier years, I worried more about how the woman involved dealt with it. It took decades for my own tears to come.

Thanks for this. It seems that not a lot is written about the aftermath of abortion for men, and it marks one of those "you're not alone" moments. Thanks.


Debby said...

You know Dean, we all stumble around blindly in our ignorant way, gathering wisdom as we go. You're at a different place now. You have children. You realize what you lost all those years ago. Don't agonize about what you cannot change now. Thank who ever you choose to thank that you learned all that you've learned. There are some schmucks out there that never learn a damn thing.

I'm with Hal. Brutally honest post.

Oh, and one last thing. If you talk to anyone who doesn't regret some youthful error in judgement, they are a liar.

Dean said...

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate the kind words and advise.

Reading back through the post is really quite uncomfortable. I don't let very many people into this part of my head - not even myself! I think that I wrote this blog entry to exorcise some demons.

I'm worried what my wife will say when she eventually catches up to this post. I love her with all of heart and I know that this will upset her. I'm considering pulling this post for that reason.

Tit for Tat said...

Hal said it best. Wow. Time to let it(shame) go I think.