Saturday, April 25, 2009

His Fatness

A few short years ago, I sat on an airplane and waited. I waited with baited breath to see if the fat man waddling up the aisle was going to be sat next to me. I didn’t want the blimp sat next to me. Who does? I didn’t want to be squished. I didn’t want to smell the BO. This guy was so fat that I’m sure that when he weighed himself, the scales read “to be continued…”.

I was on my way back from Florida. What’s funny is that this guy could have been baptized with Shamu! Ha!

The flight represented the end of a long family vacation. I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed that night. Florida family vacations are always tiring. This one was no exception. There had been theme parks and beaches. I’m sure it was the most exercise I’d had all year. Not that I needed it. Unlike today, back then I could turn invisible with a profile view. I could have been used as a toothpick for this guy. I didn’t need a belt. When I was 22, I wore kid’s clothes that fit like a glove. Funny that, in contrast, this guy’s belt could have been used to measure the equator!

I let out a sigh of relief when the fat bastard took a seat two rows down. He was safely on the other side of the plane. It’d throw the balance off for sure, but at least I wasn’t going to get squished!

A few moments later an incredibly attractive girl took the seat next to mine. She smiled with innocence that I’m sure I lost before I hit middle school. Short skirt, long legs, blonde hair – yum, yum, yum! Her makeup looked like it had been painted on, but I didn’t care. She had breasts that made me want to cry – nipples, I’m sure, that I could have hung a coat on. It was going to be a good flight!

Meanwhile, two rows down, the blimp was having parking troubles. His incredibly fat ass wasn’t going to fit. His face turned red. The lady in the seat next to him grimaced and pretended that it wasn’t happening. Her eyes were fixed on the tarmac. She began to sneer like it was going out of fashion. I smiled with something like empathy for the lady. I asked the girlie next to me if she thought they had a giant shoehorn for people like that. She left an uncomfortable smile hanging in the space between us. It was her way of letting me know that she found it distasteful.

Five minutes later the armrests were removed. The fat bastard folded layers of fat and slid in with an audible thud and creak. I'm sure that the lady sat next to him also questioned if this guy was really fat or just just 5 feet too short.

The entertainment started to subside when the trolly-dolly stewardess asked his fatness to buckle his seat belt. He couldn’t. Fully extended it barely covered half of Mount Belly. His plump face turned red as he apologized profusely. The stewardess grunted something about an extension and left him hanging.

By this time, everybody in the cabin was having a good hard stare. Those that were sympathetic were now just pissed. The comedians like me had shelved comedy for the time being. This fat fuck was delaying our flight!

The stewardess returned with a belt extender.
“Here’s your belt extender, Sir”
She handed fatso the belt as everybody in the cabin listened in. It still didn’t fit. The stewardess huffed as she watched him struggle. All eyes were directed to the guy that could have had his own zip code. He panicked and looked to the stewardess for help. She looked away, tapped her feet impatiently and waited for him to ask.

Then he started to sniffle and sob. The stewardess immediately reached over and released some more belt. Everybody else, including the ice queen in the seat next to his, threw a sympathetic look his way. It was too much for a guy who wanted to be swallowed up by the world. He bowed his head and cried. Big blubbery sobs drenched the cabin. Tears fell like grains of sand in the desert.

The girlie turned out to be 14 years old. Her parents were four rows back. I gave one word answers to her advances. My eyes were glued to the window. I spent the remainder of the flight pretending not to cry.

8 comments:

Dean said...

and yes, that is Brad Pitt! I found this doctored pic on a fat celebs website. One where they take pictures of famous celebs and make them fat.

I also borrowed a lot of fat jokes from various sources for this post.

Rassles said...

Sob stories about fat people piss me off. Really, truly do. I'm no spring flower, and my family is thick, but we're a hearty, healthy family of thickness. Doctors aren't worried about our size.

Now, don't get me wrong: I've been fat. I don't hate the fatness. I just don't feel sorry for them.

So when I say I feel for your story, I mean it.

Dean said...

Thanks for the feedback, Rassles... I'm not sure whether my post pissed you off or not. Regardless, thanks for taking the time to leave some feedback.

The intention of the post was to show how conflicted we can all be in regard to discrimination. Fat people bother me. I don't know why. But that day in the plane... and I know this is gonna sound as cheesy as a lump o cheddar... i think that I discovered that wasn't the nice person that I thought I was.

The distasteful fat jokes and stuff were there to lead people down the same path as me - from disdain to hypocrisy to compassion. Not quite sure that it worked out.

Rassles said...

Oh, it worked.

What I meant was: I don't feel sorry for fat people.

But I empathized with that man. It was a good post.

Debby said...

My mother is morbidly obese. So was my sister, until she had gastric bypass. Here's the thing that I have learned. No matter what you see on the surface, when someone is eating themselves, quite literally, to death, somewhere, from a very deep place inside, there is a person who feels very, very badly about themselves. My mother is so large that she cannot even walk across a parking lot. Whenever she wants to socialize, she calls to ask if I want to meet her at the all you can eat Chinese buffet. I had to finally begin saying no. The stuff was no good for me, and it definately was no good for her. Sadly, she got very angry about my judgementalism. It never was about her weight. It was about her health. SHe doesn't see it, and it makes me very sad. At this point, we have not even spoken, by phone, since last November. There are other reasons, of course, but telling her that I couldn't meet her at the all you can eat Chinese buffet got the ball rolling.

Dean said...

Debby, that's so sad... My heart goes out to you. I'd be concerned that my lack of contact had caused her to eat more... coz that's probably what I'd do if I felt that a loved one had turned their back on me. I have the bottle, others have food - same difference. But on the other hand, is supporting destructive behaviors worse? Tricky.

Debby said...

No, no. I never 'turned my back' on my mom. I just told her that I did not want to go to the all you can eat chinese buffet. She got very angry. She made the accusations. It was hard to know what to do. My mom has always been very critical of her two oldest children. The two youngest children can do no wrong. I love my mom, but after awhile, you simply have a choice to make. I come from a very violent family, a very critical family. In the end, you are responsible for saving yourself. Understand that for most of my 52 years, I've been trying to sort things out with my mom. She is probably bipolar.

Mae December said...

i thought the reason why you were crying was because the girl was 14 and her parents were these, as opposed to you having someone to hit on.

Now I get it,and you don't sound like a douchebag anymore