Story time for my kids tonight came from one of my fav books. The Brick Testament is bible stories told with Lego. Think Lego Star Wars but with God n stuff and you're pretty much there. I like it because I find it hilarious. And my kids? Hmm, they are mighty confused and a little scared right now...
It started out with Genesis. There were a few "Ohh, that's gross" bits - especially the bit where God harvests Adams rib to create Eve... and it just went downhill from there. As I read the story of Cain and Abel, Jake politely asked what "sacrifice" meant. I explained it in terms that I understand - of an offering. He didn't get it. Worse still, he wanted to know why God wanted the "females of the flock". I didn't have an answer. Next, of course, comes the cold-blooded killing of Abel by his brother Cain... all the way to genocide. At which point, I closed the book- "the end". What I thought was hilarious was just plain scary to them.
So I'm writing a new holy book tonight and it begins like this,"In the beginning God created Chimmay..." And tonight is Chimmay night. Suz is out on the town and I'm gonna ritualistically poison myself in the best possible way - with a Belgian Trappist beer (it is literally holy - google it)! Thank the lord!
Not many people know this, but I'm allergic to the natural world. For years I'd suffered from intolerable headaches, every single day since I was 15 or 16. I recently discovered that wheat and barley, amongst most everything else that grows, will kill me. Well maybe not kill me, but fuck me up enough to get a real nasty headache. And you all know what product features lots of wheat and/or barley, right? If you didn't guess beer then you need to stop reading this, shut down your computer and hit yourself... So the real question tonight is why am I drinking beer again? Did I just run out of Tequila? Nope, I have a fresh 1800 sitting in the freezer...
You see good beer for me is the comfiest chair you've ever sat in your entire life. It just feels right. I love the taste and the warm blankets of snuggle-iciousness. And I mean love, L-O-V-E; LOVE! I'm loving the way that I'm poisoning myself tonight, because, frankly, I deserve it. I deserve it for making a mockery of Christianity and for subjecting my kids to it's nonsense. I've had another hard week at work; full of all the usual political BS. And those are my excuses to get sloshed.
I tip this glass to nonsense tonight. Cheers!
-Saturday, October 18, 2008 at 8:25pm
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2 comments:
Hey Dean! I didn't realize you started blogging. I like it! Very smart, and extremely funny - I guess that's appropriate, considering the source.
Genocide for bedtime. Can't say as I'd have seen that one coming, but cheers to ya, good luck with the nightmares.:)
I'm adding you to my blog roll, hope you don't mind. Tell Suz I said Hi! And I'll give her a buzz tomorrow.
Thanks Chanda. I've been adding notes to facebook for a few weeks. Suz has been buggin me to do the blog thing for a while.
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