Hell is a place on Earth?

Hell is a place on Earth. You can find it at the crossroads of Memorial and 71st in Tulsa, Oklahoma. How do I know this? Because I spent a total of 4 hours there yesterday.

The Christians have it all wrong. You don't have to die to get there - you just drive there. And park. And pay for the pleasure of experiencing the dark future of the human race. I traveled there in my Pontiac GTO, but any noble steed will do. There's no need to worry about ol' Lucifer. I don't know the light bringer very well, but trust me when I say that his dark arts have nothing on the power and majesty of the hell spawn in regular attendance at Memorial and 71st. He has nothing on the power of the great one.

Thinking about it, the Buddhists may be the closest to understanding hell. The hell realms in the cycle of rebirth contain hungry ghosts. These self-indulgent shadows of their former selves, are cursed with the appetite of a God and the capacity of a mouse to consume. Their tiny little mouths can never satisfy their huge bellies. At the intersection of Memorial and 71st, hungry ghosts assume the form of children.

I know, I know - I was as shocked as you! Who'd have thought it? The deity of this dark domain is one called the great Chucky Cheese. He's a mouse of gigantic proportions. Ears as big as kids heads. And teeth that could easily chomp their way through a thousand wilted salad bars and the worst pizza on the planet. Chucky's power comes not from a guilt-trip nor lightning bolts - it comes from a hundred or so video games. Yes, video games! So why did I spend 4 hours there? Well that's 'coz I'm an idiot and got the wrong time for a kids party. It was at 6 - I was at 3!

The helpless little children arrive as angels of light and hope. Yet all, bar none, are sucked into the black hole of the manic depressive. Highs like crystal-meth and lows so low that you may actually consider eating some of the pizza just for the distraction of something that isn't screaming like a banshee, running a million miles an hour and spending money like it's your bosses.

OK, OK, let's back up for a second. I may have it all wrong. We all know how too much of a good thing can be bad. Well the same can be said for the bad. And it doesn't get much worse than Chucky Cheese's - except when experienced in insanely large doses.

You see, much to my surprise, after a while you just succumb to it. You have no choice really. In this way, it's not unlike an all night alcohol binge. At some point you reach the point that if you don't give in to it and get another beer or 20 tokens that you'll just keel over and die. And then - Magic. For it's only in the darkest depths of Hell can you truly understand and appreciate the light. And there is nothing so good as an honest smile. Nothing so pure, so intoxicatingly holy as a kid's laugh. So there you have it. Fuck the church. Fuck Jahweh, Buddha, Ganesh and Mohamed. Open your heart and worship the great Chucky Cheese at the crossroads of Memorial and 71st!

- Sunday, September 28, 2008 at 10:28am