Living an infomercial

Suz and I were working on the laundry earlier in the week when Jake came by to supervise."What a mess!" he proclaimed at the sight of a foot high stack of clean laundry on the bed. "We need a high capacity, space saver bag", he continued... "Vacuum sealed for your protection... Now only 19.99. That's a $60 value, dad..."Speechless, Suz and I sat on the edge of the bed - flabbergasted. Our 5 year old had turned into a walking infomercial!

It doesn't stop there. For months, we've noticed the odd "mmm, mmm, good" when we pass a McDonalds or "Subway, eat fresh!". "You'll say WOW when you use a ShamWow!"... We thought it was cute until he tried to push a useless product! I mean, nobody actually buys any of that useless shit like the ShamWow do they? In all seriousness, it made me question how much time the kids watch TV. How was it that these messages had gotten so embedded in his little head? Moreover, how is it that I can't remember my own telephone number, but I can rattle off at least 10 catchy slogans for a product as useful as a bucket with a hole? All these questions relate directly to my experience of the "Get Motivated" seminar. You see, between the speeches by Rick Belluzzo, Robert Shuller, Colin Powell, Zig Ziglar (who I missed b'coz of imprisonment in Irish pub) and Ruby "9/11" Giuliani were expertly placed infomercials.

These guys were introduced with all the vigor of Powell. Often complete with fireworks and confetti. You didn't know that it was an infomercial. It was brilliant! I enjoyed the infomercials as much, if not more, than the real speeches. I remember one of these guys being so good that nobody knew that was an infomercial until the last minute. Genius! This dude, we'll call him Bob, managed to suck in at least a thousand people into buying a get rich quick "system". Bob didn't explain what this "system" was nor how it was going to make you rich. Nevertheless, as soon as he said that you could buy it today for $49.99, at least 500 people people stood up, wallets in hand, sporting the "I believe!" look of stupidity. If the messiah returns you'll likely find him taking notes at an event like this. Really. Now I believe in bullshit like everyone else, but I wasn't that stupid... or was I?

On the back of a brilliant speech on leadership by Powell came my time to be sucked in. In my defense, I didn't immediately throw my money at the nearest Bob. I listened intensely to day trader Phil as I scribbled notes like "short sale on oil future- BUY", "follow fund manager - sell 80% commodities", "diversify tax liens!", "80% capital, 15% stock, 30% real estate, 12% securities in covered calls"... What the fuck was I smoking? Those numbers don't even add up! Looking at my notes now, I was obviously demonically possessed by the god of bullshit. My notes make about as much sense as a war on terrorism.

At the end of Phil's spiel I sat there knowing full well that I had been sucked in. I watched 100's of people leap out of their seats like they'd had curry for lunch and needed to make an emergency deposit. I didn't. I gritted my teeth, clutched my wallet like my life depended on it and attempted to wait it out. I told myself that the feeling would pass. But it didn't. It got stronger. So strong in fact that I'd have jumped on the heads of baby seals to get to the registration table.

And there you have it. That's how I forked over 99 bucks for a 2 day class on stock trading. It'll be just my luck to discover that it's all just an elaborate scheme to get investors for the next ShamWow! I can hardly wait!

-Sunday, September 28, 2008 at 12:56pm